Declare Variables, Not War

As the contestant and the celebrity (which in our version is totally William Shatner) take their specially designated seats in the winner’s circle, the jazzy music stops and a hush falls over the studio audience. The lights dim, the main illumination being provided by the glowing pyramid behind the two figures. Dick Clark announces that the contestant has chosen to receive. The celebrity fixes his gaze upon the board, as if willing the first tile to turn around. And, like magic, it does, and the clock begins to count up from 00. The celebrity furrows his brow for a moment before launching into a stream of words. “Bankruptcy.” “Victory.” He studies the contestant’s face for a moment. “Strange fruits and plants when going through Customs.” “Uh… hmm. War.” “Variables.” Tumbling out of the contestant’s mouth as quickly as possible come the words, “Things you declare.” And the next tile flips. Yeah, probably most of y’all are too young to remember this. Back in my day, we used to walk barefoot in the snow to watch game shows. We had 4 channels, and we had to get up to change between them. And we liked it! I’ll take “What are whiny old-timers?” for 100, Alex. “Declare Variables, Not War.” is printed in white on a black, 100% cotton t-shirt.